Monday, June 18, 2012

For Whom The Trader Joe’s Bell Tolls

Many of us have heard the ringing or plaintive cry of “3 bells!” while shopping at Trader Joe’s, but few have ever been privy to what this mysterious distress call actually means. A recently uncovered Trader Joe’s employee handbook, however, has become the long sought after Rosetta Stone for this code and allowed the true meaning behind all 14 variants of their secret, bell-based language to finally be deciphered.

1 Bell-It’s getting busy. Available crew members please report to open additional registers.
2 Bells-A price check or assistance finding an item on the shelves is requested.
3 Bells-A manager is urgently needed at checkout.
4 Bells-Please add more Fleetwood Mac & Supertramp songs to the in-store music playlist.
5 Bells-Serial free food moocher needs to be escorted away from the sample station.
6 Bells-Compulsory employee food fight in produce aisle.
7 Bells-Friendly chitchat with customer at checkout has stalled. Need manager’s assistance to either change the subject or shut entire conversation down.
8 Bells- All is well.
9 Bells-Dr. Dre has just entered the building, so ring ‘dem bells. Ring ding dong!!! Ring a ding ding ding dong!!
10 Bells-Customer is experiencing a severe allergic reaction to nuts.
11 Bells-Customer is experiencing a severe dip in nut protein levels. (Note: If this happens concurrent with 10 Bells, attempt a blood transfusion from the first customer to the second.)
12 Bells- Security is needed to eject a Trader Joe’s Doppelganger (i.e., a customer attempting to impersonate a TJ’s employee by wearing their own Hawaiian shirt in order to shoplift).
13 Bells-Someone has summoned Miialkrabrix, the primordial spirit of evil & mischief who can only be cast back into his demonic realm via the ringing of a silver bell exactly 13 times.
14 Bells-Red alert!!! Whole Foods employees have breeched the perimeter and are attempting to overthrow this Trader Joe’s branch. Red alert!!!

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